The Girl in the Comfortable Quiet Read online

  The baby is whisked away too quickly. We both wait impatiently for the nurse to clean her and give her back to me.

  The nurse sets her in my arms. I stare down in wonder. “Is she OK? Is she perfect?”

  The nurse smiles. “You have a beautiful, healthy baby.”

  “Better than perfect,” Linda says enthusiastically. “Ten fingers. Ten toes. And absolutely beautiful. Look at all that hair. Listen to her scream.” Her laughter intensifies and she leans in to stare at the baby in my arms. “Hello, Kaley Stanton. You are amazing.”

  My heart swells and Linda is hugging me and we are both staring, crying and laughing, mesmerized by my little girl. I touch her feet. Her hands. Her tiny fingers. The skin of her arms. Her dainty face. The soft black hair.

  I smile up at Linda. “She is beautiful, isn’t she?”

  “The most beautiful baby I’ve ever seen. She’s going to be a heartbreaker for sure.”

  I adjust her against me so I can see her face more clearly. The medical staff continues busily in the room, and I study Kaley’s little body, her pudgy arms and legs. So perfect. How can something this small be so perfect? The line of her brow. Her nose. The shape of her mouth.

  Then everything inside me goes still. Oh God. Even I can’t hide from this truth, what I’m seeing in my tiny girl. It is too distinctive. And instinctively I know it doesn’t matter that her eyes are blue now, they are soon going to turn dark.

  Once we’re alone, Linda sinks down on the bed.

  A new worry springs from the jumble already in my head. Fresh tears fill my eyes.

  “Linda?”

  She looks up from Kaley, startled. Her glowing expression vanishes. “What’s wrong, Chrissie?”

  “What did Molly die of?” I choke out in a barely discernable whisper.

  Her gaze meets mine, intense shards of rapidly flashing light, and I can tell she has known just like me since she first saw Kaley. I just brought into the room what we both haven’t said, but I couldn’t crush down the rising panic. Not when I looked at Kaley and had Molly pop into my head.

  Linda’s severe features melt into something raw and gut-wrenching. “Oh, Chrissie.” She buries her lips in my hair, touching me once lightly before she whispers, “It was nothing genetic, sweetheart. Don’t be afraid. Meningitis. That’s what killed her. Nothing is ever going to happen to Kaley.”

  ~~~

  My hospital room is so crowded it is suffocating. People, flowers, gifts and food everywhere. Flowers for me. Gifts for Kaley. Messages for Neil. Food and champagne for the celebrating family. The avalanche of stuff from Neil’s fans overfills the space until there is hardly room to move.

  Isn’t there a rule about how many visitors you can have and how much stuff can be brought into a hospital room? And why isn’t Neil here yet? It’s been four hours since he was two hours away.

  I stare. Too many people are here. The Stantons, Jack, Rene and Linda. I wish they would go away. The waiting is excruciating. What will happen when Neil sees Kaley?

  Laughter makes me turn my head. Jack is holding Kaley, his magnificent smile filling his face, and Michelle is chattering away. They’ve been passing the baby around like a football. I’ve hardly gotten to hold her. Everyone is so happy. It’s a happy day.

  I choke up and lie down on my bed, curling on my side.

  Jack looks at me. “She looks just like your mother. Exactly like Lena.”

  I feel Linda’s eyes heavily upon me. I smile at my dad. “Do you think so? I don’t remember Mom very well.”

  A hint of sadness blends with the happiness on Jack’s face. “I remember her well enough for the both of us, baby girl. If your mother were here she’d be so proud of you, Chrissie.”

  “I think she looks like Neil,” Michelle announces dramatically. “Don’t you think so, Robert?”

  “All babies look the same. But her scream—definitely Neil. Her scream sounds just like her dad’s.” All the Stantons laugh. “If only we’d known then, Michelle, that Neil would make a living with that scream of his, maybe we should have encouraged it.”

  Michelle swats her husband. “Be nice. You’re going to hurt Chrissie’s feelings.”

  “She’s married to Neil. She knows him.”

  Robert winks at me and grins. Michelle glares at him.

  “Black hair just like Lena,” Jack repeats.

  Black hair. Why does Jack have to keep saying that? Out of my peripheral vision I see Rene give me the look, as if Linda’s unrelenting stare isn’t enough. I adjust my position in bed so I can’t see either of them.

  Jack settles Kaley beside me. I stare down at her. All I see is Alan. But maybe none of us are right. Maybe it’s true; people just see what they want to see when they look at a baby.

  Jack drops a kiss on my head. “Neil should be here soon. Do you want me to start getting rid of people?”

  I nod. “Can you tell the nurses not to bring any more deliveries in here? There’s too much already.”

  “OK. No more deliveries. I’ll see you in the morning, Chrissie.” He laughs again, this time roughened with emotion. “My baby girl has a baby girl.”

  I tear up. “She’s incredible, isn’t she?”

  “Beautiful just like you.”

  He kisses my cheek and steps back. Somehow Jack gets everyone to start leaving. It takes thirty minutes of goodbye hugs and kisses before all the Stantons are gone, but finally the room is empty. It’s the first time in a very long time that I feel like I can breathe.

  Silence. The minutes tick by, and I try to keep my nervousness contained by studying Kaley. Her pinkish nails, the texture of her skin. The shape of her lips.

  The quiet of the hospital is shattered by an earsplitting eruption of sound in the hallway and my nerves prick. The too-loud commotion means Neil has finally arrived and that the Stantons didn’t leave completely. They’ve been lounging just beyond the door waiting for him. Overlapping voices and laughter echo in that haphazard way my in-laws communicate in. I pick out Neil’s laughter. He sounds so happy…

  The door opens and I turn in bed. Green eyes are smiling and staring at me.

  Neil crosses the room, scoops me up in his arms and gives me a passionate embrace. “God, it feels so good to finally be here with you, Chrissie,” he whispers between kisses. “Are you OK, baby? It drove me crazy not getting here in time. Just tell me you’re OK. Just tell me she’s OK.”

  He is shaking from his emotion. His eyes have a telltale shimmer.

  “She’s perfect, Neil. I’m so happy you’re finally here.”

  He sinks down on the bed and stares at the baby. He laughs, raking a shaky hand through his hair. “We were always so worried she’d come after the break. And look at her, she decided to come early.” He laughs again, tracing the line of her cheek with his finger. “Oh God, did we really create that?”

  “Yep, she’s ours.” I laugh even though tears sting my eyes. “She’s beautiful, isn’t she?”

  He nods. Proud. Happy. He looks almost too choked up to speak. I’ve never seen Neil look so over-the-moon. The color in his eyes darkens. “So how is my baby today?”

  I laugh at him using that overly played line from my pregnant months since Kaley is now here and Neil can see for himself how she is—how she is—I stop that thought before it fully forms.

  I slip a hand around his neck, pulling him into my kiss. “Both your girls are good, Neil. Even better now that you’re here.”

  ~~~

  Neil sleeps beside me on the hospital bed, one arm wrapped around me, his cheek close to me on the pillow. He looks so tired. Twenty hours travel here. And he still missed the birth. Another six hours with his family since the Stantons invaded the room again after Neil got here. But the mood in the room was more festive with Neil part of the celebration. Or maybe it was just I felt happier because Neil was here and everything was still OK.

  Gosh, he is so overjoyed and obsessed with Kaley.

  I chew on the tip of my pen and stare a
t the blank page of my journal. There is so much inside me that I want to spill onto the paper. If I can get it written down maybe I can make it go away. Maybe I can keep it from hurting us.

  An hour later, I still haven’t written a thing. It’s the first time I’ve ever been afraid of putting the thoughts in my head in my journal. I look at the clock. 3:30 a.m. Neil hasn’t stirred in three hours. Kaley has been silent nearly as long.

  I set my journal on the bedside table and curl on my side. The door opens, but I ignore it. The nurse again. I might be able to get some sleep if they stopped coming in every twenty minutes.

  I hear something being set on the table.

  “Mrs. Stanton?” I turn my face toward her. She frowns. “Your husband can’t sleep in the bed with you. Hospital rules. Do you want to wake him or should I?”

  I glance down at Neil and pout. “Just let him stay. Please. He’s been traveling since last night to get here today.”

  She reaches for the blood pressure cuff, wraps it around my arm and pumps it up vigorously. She removes the cuff, writes something in my chart and stalks toward the door.

  She looks at me, making a conspiratorial face. “Don’t tell anyone I said it was OK.”

  I smile and nod.

  “Oh, and those arrived for you.” She points to the table by the window. “I know you didn’t want any more flowers in here, but they’re so lovely.”

  I look in the direction she’s pointing and see a dozen long-stem violet roses surrounded by dozens of white in a vase with an elegant violet ribbon.

  My lips tremble and my eyes start to burn. “Can you bring them over and put them on the table next to me?”

  The nurse moves the flowers and I wait until the door closes behind her. I search the vase. No card. Then I carefully pick out a violet rose and take a fast sniff before I shorten the stem with my nails. I grab my journal and open it to the page with today’s date. I tuck in the rose and press it there.

  “Are you all right?” Neil whispers, his voice groggy.

  I quickly put away my journal. “I’m fine.”

  “You’re moving around a lot. Aren’t you tired? You should be exhausted. Why aren’t you sleeping?”

  I scooch down in the bed, turning onto my side to face Neil. “I’m too busy watching you and our daughter sleep.”

  I kiss him on the nose and he molds his body into me.

  “I love you, Chrissie.”

  Neil drifts off on me before I can say, “I love you, too.” I lie there staring at him. He’s right. I should be sleeping. But I’m afraid to close my eyes and dream.

  CHAPTER SEVEN

  Three weeks later

  Neil lies back on our bed, grabs his hair with his fingers and groans.

  “Goddamn it, Chrissie. Why does it start every morning at 7 a.m.? I’ve got Kaley asleep. I’ve got my woman in my bed sort of liking me today, and it starts up. The fucking construction zone. I can’t even hear my own thoughts in my head. Fuck, I leave tomorrow. Is one day too much to ask?”

  I crinkle my nose at the my woman comment. “Jesse is renovating his house. It won’t last forever.”

  Neil lifts a brow. “Jesse, huh?”

  I flush. “Jeez, Neil, if you start being jealous now I’m definitely not going to be sort of liking you today. I already told you, Jesse and I are friends. That I met him when I was in high school, and that’s why he drops in all the time.”

  Neil groans again. “It’s been two months, Chrissie. It’s going to be another four months until I’m home again. I’m in pain here.”

  I curl into him and pout. “You weren’t going to get any anyway. I can’t. It says so over there in that stack of papers. No sex.”

  Those green eyes fix on me in a sweet blend of tenderness and agony. “We can fuck without fucking. I’ll take anything you’re willing to do.”

  I beat back my laughter. “For a guy who writes such beautiful lyrics you say an incredible amount of jerk things. If that was supposed to get me in the mood it didn’t help you.”

  Neil grins, rolling into me, surrounding me with his limbs and starts kissing me. “Is this helping?” He moves his hand to lightly brush his fingertips across my breasts. “Is this helping?” Through my nightgown, he gently takes a nipple in his mouth and heats it with his breath. “Or maybe this is helping?”

  I feel my sex start to pulse. My body ignores my mind. The tingling and anxiousness grows. Damn.

  I ease back in Neil’s arms. “Two months, huh?”

  He kisses my neck. “Two months. Twenty-one days. Eleven hours.”

  I smile. That was sort of sweet. “You’ve been keeping track?”

  He pushes his pelvis into my stomach so I can feel his erection. “No, he keeps track for me. He’s saying ‘save me, Chrissie.’”

  I laugh. Then groan. “I can’t, Neil.” I peek at him, a little frustrated myself now. “Would a kiss get you there?”

  His mouth comes back to mine. In between deep tongue thrusts and hungry lips, he whispers, “A kiss might do it. He’s so fucking hard. He’d come if you breathed on him.”

  Breathed on him? I’m feeling a little aroused, but not that aroused. Nope, not doing that.

  Into his mouth, I say, “I’m not breathing on him today. Second jerk thing: asking a woman who’s just had a baby for a blowjob. Keep it up and you’re going to strike out, Neil.”

  He slyly moves my hand to his groan, deepening our kiss. “I’ll take fingers. One touch and I think it’s going to be over.”

  I stroke him once lightly with my hand, and he moans and swells, his hips moving, wanting it faster. “Don’t stop.”

  I run my index finger down one side, around the head, and play at that little spot he loves. I pull my hand back from his erection and he drags his mouth from mine. “Make love to me, Chrissie. Don’t torture me.”

  His features are passion-taut, his eyes intense. I take him in my hand again and he is awash in the bliss of me touching him. I kiss him on the jaw. His breathing increases. I nip at his earlobe. He twitches in my hand. I run my tongue down the side of his neck and I’m suddenly anxious to figure out how to get us both there.

  A boom so loud it makes the house shudder and sounds like it’s in the room with us startles us both. Kaley starts to cry from the bassinette.

  Neil pulls away from me, sitting up. “Fuck, that’s it.”

  I climb out of bed and reach for the baby. “What are you going to do?”

  He jerks his pants over his still nicely firm cock. He shoves his feet into his flip-flops. “I’m just going to ask him to stop, Chrissie. One day. Just to stop.”

  I put Kaley to my breast to try to calm her. “Be nice.”

  Neil runs a hand through his hair, rolling his eyes. “I will be nice.”

  “He’s a reporter,” I remind him pointedly.

  He mouths the words a reporter as he shakes his head. “Crap, it’s bad enough that he’s an incredibly rude neighbor and somehow you like him. But why the hell do I have to have a fucking reporter living above me? Shit, Chrissie, why did he have to move here?”

  He leaves the room in a huff of frustration.

  I lie back in the bed, curling Kaley into me, stroking her while she nurses. “Daddy is kind of cute when he’s pissed off and horny.”

  We’re on the other breast and Neil is still not back. I frown. What the heck is going on up there? I check the clock. It’s been over half an hour. Oh fuck, Neil, you better not be making a big deal out of everything. I’m pretty sure Jesse is harmless, that he wouldn’t ever violate the neighbor relationship and put anything that he witnessed here on the record. He’s such a nice guy. I hope Neil isn’t being a shit about things.

  I brush Kaley’s soft hair. Asleep. Maybe I can get her back in her cradle without waking her. God, Neil manages everything with Kaley so much better than I do. He’s a natural with the baby, and I’m still clumsy and never sure if I’m doing anything right. It’s probably because he has three younger sisters. He just
knows what to do.

  Crap, I wish he wasn’t leaving tomorrow and I wasn’t going to fly solo so soon. I ease off the bed and carefully ease her from my arms. I wait. Nothing.

  I let out a breath. “Thank you, Kaley Stanton, for being a team player this morning.”

  I check myself in the mirror, run a brush through my hair since it’s pretty awful, do a study of my no longer flat stomach, make a face at my reflection, and then climb back into bed.

  Finally, I hear Neil making his way back down the hall. I turn onto my side, lying in the sexiest pose I can manage. I hope he’s still in the mood to play after the construction discussion, though I’m not exactly sure how much playing I’ll be able to do. Neil is easy to get off. I’m surprised how strong the tingling in my sex was this morning. But wanting to be touched there? Not yet. I sigh. We’ll figure it out.

  Neil enters the room. I smile at him. “Did you talk to Jesse?”

  He closes the door. “Yep. No noise the rest of the day. And starting tomorrow not until after 10 a.m.”

  He turns and his expression is oddly serious.

  My eyes widen.

  “Have you told me everything, Chrissie?”

  Oh shit. My body rapidly chills and then covers in heat. “Told you everything about what?” I’m surprised that my voice sounds calm when I’m anything but calm.

  Neil stares down at me. “Him. You. The mountain.” He plants his arms on either side of me. His face is close to mine. Did Jesse see Alan here and mention it to Neil? Oh fuck. Oh fuck. Oh fuck. I should have gone out to talk to Jesse myself. Every muscle in my body tenses in a jolt. “Seems like a remarkable coincidence Jesse Harris moving in up there. A good-looking single guy you used to know. Remarkable coincidence and convenient.”

  I stare, not sure I heard him correctly.

  Neil smiles in that I’m giving you shit way.

  Oh, thank God. I fall back on my pillow, laughing, half in relief and half in amusement. “Oh, I can’t put one past you, Neil. How’d you figure it out? About Jesse and me?”